Trillions of stars and planets in the galaxy and the only thing we have to fuck are some basic bitches? Yeah, we weren’t too happy about that shit either. The next thing we know, our boss is coming in the break room carrying boxes of alien pussies and we’re like, “Finally!”
No but seriously, we just got done fucking these Fleshlight Alien vaginas and dare we say they’re “out of this world?” Okay, that was kind of corny, but if you’re extra horny then this alien pussy can give you the strange you’re searching for. At first, we were a little put off by its pearlescent blue color, but after we spooged in it a time or two we no longer gave a shit about what it looked like. The point we want to stress here is how good it feels.
We have always been Fleshlight fans, but we never expected this. Even though we ended up having a few requests for the manufacturer, we were still grateful that the Fleshlight brand is so quick to come up with kinky shit like this. After all, Earth girls are easy.
What Is the Fleshlight Freak Alien?
This sex toy is not like anything we’ve ever seen. It is exactly like the standard male masturbator from Fleshlight – skin-like material, textured inner sleeve, ergonomic design – but the difference is that it’s fashioned to look like the vag of a sexy alien lady. Fleshlight introduced the entire Freaks lineup just recently, with models designed after zombies and Dracula too. There’s even an Alien Vs. Predator kit, but for the purposes of this review we’re only going to talk about the Freaks Alien version.
Fleshlight Alien Promotional Video
The Main Features
Right off the bat we noticed that the Fleshlight Freaks Alien looked weird but yet still eerily familiar. The whole contraption is approximately 9.75 inches in length, and a dick as long as 8.5 inches can fit inside it. Pretty typical stuff so far.
On the outside, the blue color of the double clitoris (that’s right, we said double clitoris) caught our attention first. It features a special “alien” lotus texture on the inside that’s supposed to give you a close encounter of the first kind. It can even be paired with the popular porno “This Ain’t Avatar XXX” for an up close customized lay.
What Comes in the Box?
That subheading sounds kind of dirty, but the makers of this sex toy want you to keep it clean. Or at least they usually do. Also, our asshole of a boss makes us take inventory before we fuck anything because he hates us, so here is what we found inside the box:
- The Fleshlight Freaks Alien male masturbator
- A weird little alien orifice made from the brand’s patented SuperSkin material – in the color blue, just like our balls up until now
- Instructions for care, in case this is the first time you’ve ever touched a fake vagina (Earthly or otherwise)
- A handy blue case, because color coordination is the key to protecting your pussy
What we didn’t find inside the box surprised us more than the initial appearance did. No lube sample? No toy cleaner? Come on, guys! We’ll just assume those things don’t exist in outer space. Regardless, trying to fuck this thing dry is like trying to peel the skin off your dick with a pair of fingernail clippers.
Ouch. We suggest having some of your own lube on deck, and don’t forget to wash this sucker after every use with some warm soapy water before letting it sit out to dry.
What Does It Feel Like?
This specialized alien texture didn’t necessarily make us feel like we were walking among the stars, but we certainly felt a difference between it and the other Fleshlight textures. In fact, it’s designed to feel like the top three Fleshlight textures all in one. Now that’s alien to us.
It’s very difficult for us to describe how something so strange feels, but one of the guys said this, “It felt like something was fucking, sucking, and licking my dick all at once. It was like I had been abducted from my usual fuck sensations and taken to another planet where bitches are sad and blue until I give them the dick.” That sounds about right to us.
Our Cheers and Jeers
Even with 12 million units sold already, we still found some shit we didn’t like about the Fleshlight Freaks Alien male masturbator. Are you surprised? Don’t get us wrong, though. We had a lot of good stuff to say too. Here’s how it all breaks down:
- Fits Like a Glove – The length and tightness of the orifice was surprisingly snug, especially for a space pussy that could fuck anything in the universe.
- We Come in Peace – Constructed to look like a standard flashlight on the outside, the Freaks Alien version is just as easily hidden from prying eyes.
- Just Do the Twist – The exclusive “alien” texture of the inner lining twists and undulates around your dick at the speed of light.
- It Love You Long Time – Fleshlight brand’s realistic skin-like material, SuperSkin, is exceptionally durable and could withstand us fucking it until we saw stars.
- Behold the Final Frontier – With enough space to accommodate the girth of almost any member, few men find it difficult to get off inside it.
There were lots of other amazing benefits, but most of them comes from the fact that this toy was made by one of the best brands in the business. We seldom have many complaints about what Fleshlight produces, but we do have a few this time:
- An Incomplete Pass – Too bad this thing didn’t come with some good water-based lube or toy cleaner, because as good as it feels that shit is totally needed.
- A Blast from the Past – Is it just us or does this thing remind you of the blue waffle phenomenon that started circulating in 2006?
- An Acquired Taste – It’s not that we think this thing is weird, it’s just that we wouldn’t mind seeing a flesh-colored pussy with a double clitoris. Is that asking too much?
If you’re into this kind of thing, and we don’t blame you if you are (we had a blast, we’re not going to lie), you’ve got to check out the other models in the Freaks lineup. The Alien Vs Predator pack lets you wage war on your own dick, and the zombie version has rubbery teeth for that intense rough stuff. Drac looks like a bat wing vagina, and we all know how fun one of those can be. The pros and cons are likely to be similar among the entire lineup, but we will be on the front lines finding out soon enough.
Our Final Verdict on the Fleshlight Freaks Alien Male Masturbator
We wouldn’t mind having the Fleshlight Freak Alien (or even the Zombie, Predator, or Drac versions) in our fuck toy collection, but it’s totally not something we would let our friends see us with unless they were freaks like us. For an unexpectedly alluring fuck toy that costs less than 100 bucks, whether it’s 100% awesome or not, we say fuck it (literally). Either way you look at it, fun and silly novelties take sex to a whole new dimension.