Honestly, anything that touches our dick gives us a chubby. At the same time, we’ve become a little fussy about the types of toys we honor with our expert spooge. Perhaps that’s why we’re paid the big bucks to review sex toys like the Hot Octopuss Pulse III vibrating male masturbator. Just when we thought the industry couldn’t get any kinkier, this creative little number is put on our desk forcing us to redefine our sex toy expectations. This is when our jobs get exciting.
Opening the box was a bit of a challenge with trembling hands, but we managed. Just looking at it, you would think the Hot Octopuss was some sort of new-age, bullet proof vest for your cock. That might have been why we seemed so eager to strap it on, despite our initial reaction. This handheld dick gripper is the “real deal Holyfield,” even if it has a few minor design flaws and immediately reminded us of the Cobra Libre – a higher-end sex toy that does similair things as the Hot Octopuss .
Hot Octopuss Pulse III Promotional Video
What Is the Hot Octopuss Pulse III Male Masturbator?
Turning our focus back to the Hot Octopuss for a moment, let us attempt to describe what it is. Imagine a silicon koozie made specifically for your dick. Now try imagine that koozie vibrating at various speeds until you come. Yeah, we thought it sounded pretty awesome as well.
According to the manufacturer, this sex toy is designed to help men of all sizes reach their full potential. It’s supposed to help with erectile dysfunction and flaccid stimulation, while also being a hands-free tool for dudes with manual mobility issues. It’s like an equal opportunity fuck buddy, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The Main Features
We appreciated the Hot Octopuss Pulse III because it allowed us to be lazy while still getting our rocks off. It features a smooth outer coating made from durable silicon, but inside the mechanism is where the magic happens. Although we thought this toy needed a little more power overall, we certainly liked the 5 different vibratory functions that allowed us to customize our playtime.
Looking closer, we discovered that the Hot Octopuss pulls off its trickery by using this really cool thing called “oscillating pulse plate technology.” That feature, combined with the springy wings that open to encase your shaft, provide an all-encompassing masturbation that requires no manual assistance. In other words: you can either strap it on your dick and let it pleasure your penis, or you can slide it up and down and stimulate your cock at your leisure. Talk about some versatile shit. Look ma, no hands!
What Comes in the Box?
Like we said, we opened the box with trembling hands only because we didn’t know what we would find inside. However, if we didn’t take inventory of the contents our boss would kill us. With that said, here is what comes in the box with the Hot Octopuss Pulse III vibrating male masturbator:
- The Hot Octopuss Pulse III, of course
- A little patent leather carrying case with a drawstring closure
- A magnetic USB charger
That’s it. We even turned the box upside down just to be sure we hadn’t missed anything. There was no lube, no sex toy cleaner, no special accessories or even a coupon. We were left with only the bare essentials, like Baloo from The Jungle Book.
What It Feels Like
We will do our best to describe what it feels like to use the Hot Octopuss. Here, see if this makes any sense to you:
His description is pretty much spot-on, minus the weak part. That opinion might be relative to the sensitivity of your dick. As for that guy, we’re pretty sure he needs to stick his junk in a vice to feel anything anymore. The rest of us thought it felt like a moderately fit robot was giving us an amateur handy. Our subtlety game is strong.
Our Cheers and Jeers
You know us; we don’t like anything 100% of the time, even if it does make us jizz in our pants. We’re assholes like that. So, although the Hot Octopuss Pulse III boasts 25% more power than its predecessor and has a nifty high-tech charging function, we still had some shit to complain about. To soften the blow, we’ll start out by focusing on what we did like. There, is that better?
- One Size Fits All – The expanding wings make enough room any sized dick, even those massive horse cocks out there.
- Wakey, Wakey – It can help with the symptoms of erectile dysfunction and can stimulate a flaccid penis.
- Feel the Vibes – There are 5 different vibratory modes that can be adjusted with the touch of a button.
- Cruise Control – No manual stroke is needed, so the whole shebang can be done hands-free.
- Play Date – Be like Hans Solo or use the force with a sexy partner.
- Dip It Good – It is fully submersible in water and super easy to clean.
- Safety is Sexy – The toy’s material contains no phthalates or latex so it’s hypoallergenic.
- Buy in Bulk – We’re not going to lie here: The Hot Octopuss is very bulky and feels like a suit of armor on your shaft.
- No Frills – All you get is the toy and the accoutrements needed to use it; nothing more.
- 3:1 Odds – It takes three hours of charging to give you one hour of sex play.
- Coming Up Short – The internal length is only 4.2 inches, so hands-free play can get kind of boring if you have a long shaft.
The Hot Octopuss is also sans sleeve, so you’re left with only one textural sensation every time you use it. On top of that, there’s nowhere to put your cum when it inevitably shoots out. Maybe that’s better for cleaning, but it’s a pain in the ass when you’re trying to get off without ruining your bed sheets. As far as we know, the makers have yet to develop textured inner linings for the Hot Octopuss, so we’ll just sit here with our fingers crossed until they do.
The Final Verdict
Overall, we thought the Hot Octopuss Pulse III vibrating male masturbator provided a decent experience for a robotic sex toy that costs a little over $100. Although we had to invest in our own water-based lubricant and toy cleaner, the end usually justified the means. While you can find vibrating hands-free sex toys all day long, the Hot Octopuss is recognizably unique.
We can appreciate advantageous innovation when we see it, and that’s what we witnessed here: a technologically advanced sex toy made by a savvy manufacturer that was obviously thinking about men with mobility problems – a revolutionary design concept that ends up being fun for everybody. On a scale of 1 to 10, we would be comfortable giving the Hot Octopuss a solid 7 (but that’s only because it makes us miss the Cobra Libre, and we’re sentimental douchebags like that).