They say that the best thing about masturbation is the fact that you’re ultimately fucking someone you love – yourself. They also say that masturbation is something reserved for those who know what they’re doing. After all, who in the hell wants to fuck someone who has zero experience, is painfully awkward, or who has no skills? If you don’t know about a few masterful masturbatory methods, YOU won’t even want to fuck you, and neither will anyone else.
Meanwhile, modern science has proven that routine masturbation is not only good for the soul, but it’s also good for the body. Don’t believe me? A Harvard study concluded that “high ejaculation frequency” can help to ward off prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction. And according to the latest studies, this healthy and perfectly normal activity is something that nearly 90% of all men do at least once a week. In fact, the leftover 10% of the world’s supposedly hands-off fellas are most likely in a state of ugly denial because, let’s face it, very few things feel better than a session of self-pleasure. Additionally, frugally fangled self-fucking techniques can keep you free of disease and, when done correctly, might even put the roar back into your relationship.
Until recent times, yanking your own crank was considered a taboo subject – something nobody really talked about in the open, let alone discussed with their partners. Fortunately, the times have changed, giving way to a more relaxed discussion about one of the best things a man can do in life besides earn a decent living. As a result, the globe’s most handsy men have brazenly made it their missions to experiment with different masturbation techniques – tirelessly trying to develop the most audacious ways to beat their meat like it owes them money. Those dudes deserve a Nobel Prize.
Although many men probably wax their wieners in similar ways, masturbation is no different than any other activity: there’s a good way and a bad way to do it. Proper penis plucking can, in fact, increase sexual stamina and, quite frankly, who doesn’t want some of that? Luckily, numerous effective methods have been discovered to give the most intensity and pleasure to your prudent pumping. This “handy-dandy” guide is designed to help you put the “master” in your “masturbation.”
Back to the Basics
Before you go all balls to the wall into this whole masturbation methodology thing, you need to know a few basics first. While it may seem like fucking yourself is something you can do without even trying, that’s not always the case. Don’t you want to know how to make the shit feel as excellent as possible? (Pause) That’s what I thought.
Below are the top 3 must-know beef-buffing basics that all men should understand whether they admit to masturbating or not. These little tips and tricks can improve sex no matter how you have it – alone or with a partner. In fact, I don’t suggest engaging in anything sexual unless you know this shit like the palm of your hand:
- Get in the Zone
Most men think that only women have special areas on their bodies that intensify physical or sexual pleasure. Those men are dead wrong. Dudes have erogenous zones as well, albeit not as sensitive as the ladies’. So, don’t be afraid to explore the space while you’re rocking out with your cock out because that shit feels amazing. Here’s how you get in the zone (and I’m not talking about Auto Zone):
- Gently rub on the inner part of your thigh until it tickles.
- Caress the lower region of your stomach.
- Pull on the lobes of your ears
- Flick, stroke, or pinch your nipples. Go on. Try it. I dare you.
Don’t limit yourself to those areas either. Keep in mind that every man’s body is different, but you’re supposed to know yourself better than anyone else does. That is essentially the main appeal of masturbation if we’re being honest here.
- Mind the Step Children
Put simply, never leave your balls hanging. What kind of a guy does that to their best buds? Your dangling dudes are super sensitive and thus, they must be treated as such or your stick will sob (sort of). So, it’s a very good idea to invite them to the pants party every time it kicks off. Here are some ball-friendly activities in case you don’t know where to send the invitation:
- Pull on them gently with your free hand while you’re cuffing the carrot.
- Slowly caress them until you find a spot that feels the best.
- Just hold them (because they get lonely too).
Keep in mind that balls are one of the most fantastic erogenous zones on the entire male body. A stuff breeze can pique their attention, so it only makes sense to mind the step children when you’re courting your cock.
NOTE: Carefully cupping your balls during masturbation is also a terrific way to discover spots, lumps, and growths before they get out of hand (no pun intended).
- Practice Penile Poise
A bit of trial and error with different positions is the key to buffin’ your muffin like a master. Change your position from time to time and enjoy the varying sensations that come about. Don’t make me say I told you so; try this:
- If you usually sit down, try to lay down on your back or stomach instead.
- There’s nothing wrong with a little kneeling every now and then, as long as you’re not proposing to your jerk-off hand.
- Stand up for what’s right. In other words, park it against a wall and go to town.
- Beating the bishop at his own game is easy when you thrust into your own hand instead of making your arms do all the work.
If anyone tells you that there’s something wrong with a little erectile experimentation, they’re just jealous of your sexual prowess and should be disregarded and discarded like an old condom. No joke.
Draining the Main Vein
There’s no use in masturbating if you always do it the same way or if you’re oblivious to your options. While the classic handy is a surefire way to put some sauce on the taco, the wide and wonderful world of wiener juicing is far too grand to stop there. The top 3 most common methods used to burp the worm are as follows (with a few tips and tricks included to make it worth your while):
- The One-Handed Wonder
In general, most men masturbate using their dominant hand (minus the guys who do “the stranger” just to mix it up a bit). As a common and seemingly natural technique, it’s one of the easiest to perform on yourself, whether you’re new to the whole masturbation thing or not. It requires no special skills and, quite frankly, is for rookies only. However, there is a certain way to do it if you want it to feel as awesome as possible (and I know you do):
- Grip your dick with your good hand, maintaining a firm yet gentle hold. In other words, don’t choke your chicken so hard that it passes out. Allow for proper blood flow but be sure you’re not holding it so lightly that the entire exercise is pointless. Adjust the strength of your grip as you go to determine what feels best to you.
- To avoid drag and chaffing, put some lube on your hand or dick before you begin. I don’t suggest using lotion or oil because it can cause skin irritation and may make your junk smell funny. I recommend a good water-based lubricant, and plenty of it.
- In a smooth rhythm, move your hand up and down the shaft of your penis at whatever speed suits you. Don’t be afraid to speed it up or slow it down throughout the session as you see fit.
Like eating a Reece’s, there’s really no wrong way to do the one-handed wonder pump. Experiment with varying hand positions, grip pressures, and speeds to keep things interesting. One thing I found that was really amazing: peel back the skin on your penis (if you’re uncircumcised especially) so that your cranking includes the head, as that’s where most of the nerve endings are found.
NOTE: If you play with the corona (head) of your dick, be prepared to cum much faster than you would if you didn’t. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- The Two-Handed Tango
Using both of your hands can be a magical mystery ride as well. If your dick isn’t too small (which I hope it’s not), try placing your hands side-by-side on the shaft for a whole different kind of experience. While doing so isn’t too much of a variation from the one-handed wonder, this technique will still offer you a little more variety in terms of sensation in the event that you can’t afford the joy of a toy. Here are my humble suggestions for this semi-marvelous method:
- With a grip similar to the one you used for the one-handed wonder technique, grab your cock and squeeze until it feels tight enough to resemble an orifice while keeping it loose enough to move your hands up and down.
- Once again, to avoid ripping the skin off your dick, slap on a bunch of water-based lubricant before you get started.
- Using the same smooth motions as before, stroke your cock up and down at whatever speed you prefer. I suggest squeezing a little tighter at the tip just to give your penis more pleasure, since that’s where most of the nerve endings reside.
- You might also try making a somewhat circular motion with your hands as you move up and down. I found that doing that feels amazing, not to mention it mimics real-life sex a lot more than the standard vertical pimp.
There’s also no perfect way to do this method either, but a little skill does go a long way. To two-handed tango allows you to experience multiple sensations at once, but unfortunately it will prevent you from “minding the step children” along the way. Sometimes, I pump my hands in two different directions (one going up and the other one going down) just because I’m not a simple bitch.
NOTE: If your penis is too small for the two-handed tango, I suggest looking into a high-end penis enlargement device. Good options, in my opinion, are the FleshPump, the Penomet, or something from the HydroMax Series if you’re looking for quick and noticeable results without any pain or embarrassment.
- The Joy of a Toy
Of course, masturbation took on a whole new meaning once sex toys were invented. The best toys on the market make this turkey jerking shit a super realistic experience. Some even feature genuine-feeling textures made from skin-like materials, live virtual reality web content, Bluetooth compatibility, and automatic mechanisms that make it all hands-free. Oh, what a time to be alive!
A good sex toy can give you extreme pleasure without forcing you to get your hands dirty. Earth-shattering orgasms now require little more than an internet connection, a few batteries, an electrical outlet, or sometimes, even less. My favorite toy brands are Fleshlight and Kiiroo, although several other brands in the industry have decent products as well. However, nothing (and I mean nothing besides real sex) compares to what these perverted conglomerates have to offer.
Consider this shit before you settle on something as outdated as manual masturbation:
- Fleshlight has an entire series of toys which feature textures that have been molded exclusively to resemble the insides of famous porn stars, mythical creatures, and more.
- That same brand has hundreds of other toys and textures as well, virtually catering to the wants and needs of penises everywhere.
- Using one of the Fleshlight masturbators with the brand’s new Launch device – an automatic fucking and sucking machine – is unmatched by anything in the industry thus far.
- The Fleshlight Launch can be used alone or, as I suggest, with one of the other swanky toys in the brand’s massive lineup.
- The Kiiroo brand has a ton of high-tech masturbation toys as well, and all of their toys are made using some of the best materials and ergonomics on the planet.
- The Kiiroo Onyx 2 (a toy for men) and the Pearl (a toy for women) are compatible with one another, both offering real-time sex capabilities even when you and your partner are worlds away from each other.
- Both of the Kiiroo toys can be used individually as well, and both are able to be linked up to the brand’s online porn content for an orgasm that’s literally out of this world and out of your hands.
- Furthermore, the Kiiroo Onyx 2 and Pearl are both compatible with the Fleshlight Launch device. Do you understand what this means?!
Today’s best sex toys can do a lot more than just make you jizz with very little effort, especially the ones made by the top two brands in the industry. For instance, Fleshlight has a device called the Stamina Training Unit (STU) which comes with an instruction booklet that carefully explains how to use the toy to increase your sexual fortitude. These days, masturbation has taken on a whole new agenda. It’s no longer a pastime used merely for pleasure; it’s now also an intense exercise in productivity. Hot damn!
Absolutely Fabulous: Adventurous Accessories and Awesome Add-Ons
Aside from simply painting the pickle with your bare hands or with a well-made masturbation toy, there are a few other products on the market that can further your pleasure even more. Like I said, beating your meat has never been more fun and favored than it is right now. The days of it being a taboo subject have been quickly replaced by these new days, wherein waxing your wanker is a hot and unbothered topic – an acceptable activity which beckons the invention of even more perversity in the form of some pretty awesome accessories.
While your palms are still privileged enough to suffice a decent orgasm, masterful masturbation techniques often require a little help. Every now and then, things become stale and even the easiest to please men have to kick things up a notch to keep shit interesting. In my experience, the following accessories make terrific add-ons to any self-pleasuring session, no matter how experiences or inexperienced you happen to be.
- Toy Attachments
In order to use any of the following add-ons, you must first spring for a good sex toy that is compatible with the accessories mentioned below:
- Shower Mounts
The most effective masturbators in the industry are so good that men want to take them everywhere, including the bath, pool, hot tub, or shower. Of course, this accessory is useful for waterproof toys only.
- Sleeve Warmers
A cold sex toy isn’t fun for anyone, so the world’s most formidable manufacturers have figured out a solution by inventing convenient sleeve warmers. Just be careful to follow the instructions so you don’t burn the skin off your family jewels.
- Lubes and Tinctures
A good lube or tincture can increase the sensations felt during sex and masturbation, not to mention it can add its own measure of pleasure if you use the right one.
- Warming Liquids
No worries if you can’t afford a sleeve warmer; and even if you can, there’s nothing wrong with using some warming lubrication as well. After all, a slight variation in temperatures can make all the difference sometimes.
- Cooling and Tingling Products
Believe it or not, there are a few lubricants on the market that provide a cool, tingling sensation with varying degrees of intensity. If that’s your cup of tea, I suggest using something from a trusted brand or else you could end up screaming in pain instead of pleasure.
- Delay Sprays and Numbing Agents
This form of masturbation manipulation is gaining popularity with men all over the world, although some form of it has been used by dudes for centuries. A well-made ejaculation preventer can numb your dick just enough to elongate your session, but buyer beware: only a few are approved by the FDA and many of the products in this category smell like shit, are hard to remove, or can cause temporary desensitization if you use too much of it.
- Cock Rings
Well-made cock rings are designed to restrict blood flow to the penis, thereby intensifying its sensitivity while simultaneously curbing the wearer’s ability to ejaculate.
- Waterproof Devices
Moisture resistant cock rings can be worn alone or used in tandem with other accessories (like the shower mount, for example). Keep in mind, however, that water won’t serve too well as a lubricant during masturbation with or without a toy.
- Battery-Powered Machines
While some cock rings can be used in water, the best kind feature numerous pleasure settings like varying vibrations and pulsations. Most are operable via batteries or tiny motors which are not compatible with water or moisture of any kind.
- Perineum Stimulators
There are several cock rings on the modern market that have peculiar shapes, including those that are big, small, bulbous, or (better yet) with perineum stimulators. Used during sex or masturbation, these accessories can put the O back in orgasm with a quickness.
- Prostate Massagers
For expert masturbators only, prostate massagers tease and tickle the anal canal while you play with your nuts and berries, not to mention they come in a variety of shapes and sizes.
- Manually Operational
Manual massagers for the prostate require a little hands-on attention, but many of them feature an ergonomic design that helps them stay put in your anus while you play pocket pool and then be easily removed when you’re done. However, most manual prostate massagers don’t have vibratory or pulsating functions and are little more than butt-sized dildos that are shaped to match the anatomy of the male body.
- Electronically Supported
On the other hand, electronic prostate massagers are little more high-tech, featuring a plethora of pleasure settings and even remote controls in some cases. Unfortunately, most massagers in this category aren’t cool being wet with anything but lube or body fluids, so pick your battles carefully here so you can have a good time without being electrocuted.
Since masturbation is a purely personal experience (unless you do it with a partner, of course), it’s impossible for me to say which accessory or technique will work best for you. As mentioned, you should never be afraid to experiment until the best method is discovered. After all, remember that modern doctors agree about the benefits of regularly spanking your monkey. So, if you’re going to masturbate, doodle your poodle in the name of science.
Tricks Aren’t Just for Kids Anymore
Although pornos can paint an unrealistic picture of how sex can and should be, it’s always fun to watch it while masturbating, especially when you use a toy that is compatible with online content. Still, I don’t suggest enjoying porn every single time you choke your chicken. Quite frankly, that hardcore stuff is usually the shit that you’ll never get to do in your wildest dreams anyway. Why set yourself up for disaster?
As porn becomes more accessible than ever, a lot of today’s men have lost sight of what real sex is like or what it could be. In fact, this unfortunate double-edged sword is partly responsible for erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation for some guys. However, I’m not saying you should stay away from porn altogether. Not even close.
In the event that you’ve already surpassed your porn quota, you’ll probably need a few of these tips and tricks to get you by until things level back out:
- Use Your Goddamn Imagination
There’s nothing wrong with a little bump and grind, nor is there anything wrong with using your mind. See how far you can get by creating a scene in your head instead. That way, nobody has to know what kind of freak you really are.
- Engage in Edging
Edging isn’t some new age bullshit; it’s actually an old-school masturbation technique that can heighten and elongate arousal while also building stamina and confidence. See how long you can jerk your jewels before cumming, and then try to beat your record the next time. It’s truly that simple, plus it makes masturbation more exciting because it gives you a goal.
- Try It Tantric Style
Much like tantric sex, tantric masturbation requires you to get as close to climax as possible without actually blowing your load. While it may seem more like punishment than pleasure, it can increase the intensity of your orgasm and decrease the desensitization of your dick. Talk about a jack-off jackpot.
- Breathe, You Idiot
Breathing may seem like a pretty obvious thing to do, but you’d be surprised by how many men forget to do it while they’re masturbating. Without proper breathing, though, orgasm can come much quicker than you expect it to, plus it won’t be as intense. Practice different breathing techniques to see what helps you the most, or even hold your breath a bit to check out the benefits of that. DISCLAIMER: I am in no way suggesting autoerotic asphyxiation, so don’t even go there.
Tricks may not be just for kids anymore, but that just means you can do whatever you deem necessary to get your rocks off, aside from committing sexual assault or fucking animals, of course. And hey, if that’s what you’ve got to do, it’s none of my goddamn business anyway. However, you can’t say I didn’t give you plenty of other options when you’re sitting your ass in the county jail for being a fucking weirdo.
The Bottom Line
Masturbation can be a whole lot of fun; I don’t care who you are, how much experience you have, what method you use, or which toy you claim as your favorite. The key to finding what works best for you is to try some shit out first and then troubleshoot later. After all, they say you can’t knock it until you try it, don’t they? And whoever “they” are, it’s clear that “they” know a thing or two about self-pleasure. Soon, you will as well (if you heed my advice, that is).
Being obedient to your balls and open-minded about the shit mentioned here is very important to your bottom line, especially considering all the different options that are now available to the average man, including some of the world’s greatest sex toys and accessories. It’s no longer enough to simply pump your penis with a balled-up fist. No, dudes want something more, and I’m sure you’re one of them or else you wouldn’t have bothered reading this text.
The only advice I can give that applies to every man on the planet (in regard to masturbation) is this: take your time and be sure not to rush it. Stroke it, don’t poke it. They don’t call it “pocket pool” for nothing, rookies. Remember, an impatiently diddled dick makes for a frustrated fuck, and absolutely nobody wants to end up on the wrong side of an orgasm.
Either way, the experts know a lot about self-pleasure because they have tried many different techniques with abandon, not giving a fuck about what anyone thinks. Unashamed of what it takes to make themselves feel good, and well aware of the numerous health benefits that come with regular ejaculation, modern science has developed plenty of techniques to go around – with the help of several perverts, of course.
If you still can’t seem to get off after reading and trying the tips, tricks, and methods mentioned here, then you need to see a doctor immediately. Erectile dysfunction is a real thing, and it might have less to do with your porn addiction and more to do with your overall health. It could be that your masturbation techniques are just fine, but that your dutiful dick is just flat out broken. No worries; it happens to the best of us. My fingers are crossed for you though.