We are a group of sexual professionals who have tested just about everything under the sun. So, when we set out to review our next toy, we weren’t expecting the surprise we received. In fact, we were surprised (both pleasantly and unpleasantly) numerous times throughout the process, and we suppose it’s better like that. After all, we wouldn’t want our faithful readers to learn about these things the hard way.
Indeed, the only things that are good when hard are cocks and candy. And since we aren’t handing out sweets anytime soon, we figured we would help you guys figure out how to maximize your penile potential. While this toy is not designed to assist your achievement of an erection in any way, it can most certainly turn you on and make you want to fuck something. Then again, the same could be said about almost any toy on the shelves if you really think about it.
What Is the ElectraStim Quadra-Polar Sirius Prostate Massager?
The thing that makes this toy different, or even worthy of our review in the first place, is that it is a solid prostate massager on its own but also has the potential to offer serious electrostimulation. Of course, experiencing that kind of a shocking rim job will cost you extra, but tell us something we don’t know.
We knew from the name, ElectraStim Quadra-Polar Sirius Prostate Massager, that we were dealing with a zapper. In an instant, we were holding an ergonomically designed butthole pleaser with an attached perineum stimulator. However, without the rechargeable Dual Channel Electro Sex Kit (which costs $235 by the way), this toy is nothing more than a flexible ass plug with tiny, mysterious holes on the bottom. But when you spring for the power generator, an entirely new world opens up.
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The Main Features
The main features worth describing exist only when you opt for the kit that isn’t included in the initial $75 big ones you spend on the toy. On its own, the ElectraStim Sirius is a nimble silicone prostate massager that features little more than ergonomic curves and bulges designed exclusively for the male body. Its insertable length measures 5 inches and its girth is about the same, so it’s not for newbies but it’s not for pros either. The insert/eject handle doubles as a perineum stimulator and that’s where the fun ends. Other than that, you won’t get much for your money unless you invest a little more in the power kit.
As for the features of toy once it’s hooked up to the power kit: the shaft and external perineum stimulator can be controlled separately. Voila! the tiny holes in the bottom are no longer useless and mysterious when you spend $300 or more to tickle your prostate. We’ve found better toys for less, but we digress. The powered-up Sirius operates using the wired controller sold by the manufacturer, which features motion-activated TENS technology and provides 7 different functions and 24 separate intensity levels. This gives users the opportunity to find an attachment that suits them. Surprisingly, the Sirius is marketed as being ideal for both men and women so there’s that.
What Comes in the Box?
The box containing the ElectraStim Quadra-Polar Sirius is disappointing at best. It’s not even attractive enough to be given as a gift, despite what the brand’s marketing division believes. Perhaps something a little higher-end, fellas? After all, we were forced to use the ugly box as a storage container until we could afford the outrageously priced Electra Sex Kit. Until that time, all we got was the toy and a small booklet with usage and care instructions written in 6 different languages. That’s six different ways to say you’re being ripped off. Don’t expect even a sample of lube or conductivity gel either; you won’t get that until you make a commitment. So much for no-strings-attached sex.
What It Feels Like
Getting a description on the way this toy feels depends heavily on who you ask. Since you’re asking us, we’ll say this: the Sirius isn’t as serious as it claims to be. Without its power pack, it feels like a semi-flaccid cock giving your asshole hell out of spite. With the power pack, it feels much the same way. The only difference is the mild to severe shock delivered to your innards. While the ergonomic design and flexibility of this thing is impressive, it certainly does not justify the price tag nor the need for expensive power units.
Our Cheers and Jeers
Maybe we have gotten spoiled after all this time and simply can’t find a sex toy that excites us anymore. Or maybe we can tell an awesome product from a disappointing one from a mile away. You be the judge:
- Bending the Rules – The malleable shaft goes where you put it and stays there, so customizable fucking is definitely possible.
- Wakey, Wakey – The patented e-stim currents directly awaken the nerve endings in your erogenous zones to trick your body into climaxing quickly.
- Clean Bill of Health – The non-latex material is hypoallergenic and completely body-safe.
- The Dynamic Duo – Dual controls powered by the kit allow users to operate vibrations on the shaft and perineum stimulator independently or in unison.
- Front, Back, Side-to-Side – There are conductive contacts on the sides, the tip, and on the base.
- Restricted Travel – The flared base keeps the toy securely in place even when the body is in motion.
- Batteries Not Included – Like all the worst toys in the world, you can’t really enjoy this thing unless you have an extra $250 laying around for the power kit.
- Pin It Down – Once purchased, the Electra Sex Kit’s 2mm pins come loose and/or break easily (especially when there’s no storage bad included either).
- On Your Own – You won’t get any conductivity gel either, or any lube, or toy cleaner, or anything. What you see is what you get.
- Shock Therapy – There is nothing therapeutic about the painful zap experienced by the fool who doesn’t shut this bastard off before ejecting it. You have been warned.
- Power Trip – Even when you spring for the power kit, the thing has to be charged for a decade before it can be used and it runs out of juice faster than we do when we try an amazing toy.
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Needless to say, we tested this toy for over a week to find out if there was some incredible feature we were missing. There wasn’t. We now want our week (and our money) back.
Our Final Verdict
We didn’t end up being huge fans of the ElectraStim Quadra-Polar Sirius. Seriously. There were a lot of basic design flaws in the toy itself, not to mention how cumbersome the marketing was. Yes, we understand the value of a good, versatile toy, but we feel like something is missing. Perhaps it’s our interest in ever trying this toy again. We give this product a 7 (only because we feel generous today), and we won’t apologize for it either. Better luck next time, boys.