Looking for male sex toys online can become a long, drawn-out process that ends in little more than an expensive disappointment. In fact, it’s often downright bullshit and it’s time for that to stop. Us dirty-minded dudes need something of high-quality to cram our junk into – the secret dick divas that we are. Nobody wants to cum into a tube sock no matter what they tell you; and the folks who fuck fruits and vegetables need professional help. Thanks to some of the most innovative pervs in the industry, there are plenty of good gaping holes to explore.
However, finding that shit quickly sometimes feels like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It’s maddening, saddening, and . . . well, lame as a motherfucker. You’re already shopping for fake vaginas online while in a dark and dingy room. You don’t need any more help being perceived as a creep. So, if you’re going to do this shit, you should do it the right way. No more of that “settling” bullshit. Quit staring at the women’s toys with jealous disdain in your eyes. The time of the man is now, and the era of Fleshlight has just begun.
What the Hell is Fleshlight?
The Fleshlight brand is well-known for its wide variety of male masturbators and innovative accessories. Their inventory is fucking enormous, so shopping on the site can be overwhelming, especially for a newbie. And reading customer reviews won’t help because opinions are like assholes; everybody’s got one. You’ll end up sifting through pages of personal preference stories and loads of TMI before ending up exactly where you started – with no goddamn idea which model to buy. The struggle is real.
When we first encountered the brand, we felt that same way (and we’re professionals at this shit). So, don’t feel like a dork if you don’t know what to choose. Just do us a favor and don’t make the same mistake we did: wasting too much time on the decision-making process and thereby reducing the amount of time you have to enjoy your new toy before the next best thing comes out. There’s a science to this shit, folks. Better get it while it’s hot.
Did you know that there have been over 100 different textures invented by Fleshlight? While that number includes the famous Fleshlight Girls lineup, it also includes weird shit like the Freaks division and the damn near medical-grade Stamina Training Unit. There’s literally something for everyone, and the brand ships to almost anywhere in the world. This American born company is truly a global enterprise, but there is no buying guide for the fuck sticks in their impressively expansive inventory. So, we’ve decided to change that. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.
Why Is Buying One These Fancy Sons of Bitches Harder than I Am?
Simply hopping online and picking out your brand new Fleshlight isn’t as straightforward as it seems, or as easy as your last girlfriend. However, what it lacks in simplicity it more than makes up for in price. The average full-size Fleshlight (sans accessories) costs around $80 – not bad for a sex toy that’s been meticulously designed so as to seem almost customized to your cock.
But therein lies the problem: the complex customization process that can turn into a naughty nightmare. While it’s totally possible to make a few clicks and cop a new toy for your dick, we don’t advise doing that shit by any means. The Fleshlight brand’s lineup is far too amazing to be handling it with such blatant disregard. That’s a rookie move if we ever saw one. With choices like textured and non-textured, oral, anal, and vaginal orifices, and fantasy-based models that are literally out of this world, refusing to take your time on this purchase is a mighty mistake. You’ve got to respect the pussy, my brothers.
That doesn’t mean this shit needs to be harder than you are, nor does it mean you need to spend hours on your shopping trip. That’s just asinine, and we’re not about that life. So, we have taken it upon ourselves to simplify the process so that more of our fellows can get to fucking faster. After all, there are few things worse than being forced to wait before you can rub one out when you really need it (unless you’re into that kind of thing).
The problem isn’t entirely the fault of the Fleshlight brand. Buying a brand-new sex toy is an extremely personal purchase, so don’t let us get too bossy here. At the same time, keep in mind that we have tested and reviewed each and every one of the toys in their inventory, plus we’ve done so objectively and while also testing toys developed by rival brands. In short, we know what the fuck we’re talking about here.
Full of eye candy and enticing promotional banners, picking out a new toy on the brand’s site can be flabbergasting regardless of whether this is your first or fifteenth Fleshlight. So, we’ve kindly created this guide to help people like you figure shit out when navigating the brand’s website. You’re welcome.
Starting from Scratch: Exploring the Basics
This toy is actually made using several well-appointed components, although there is no degree in engineering required to take it apart for cleaning and sleeve swapping. Simple and elegant, the average Fleshlight is comprised of four click-together parts: the sleeve, its casing, the end-cap, and the protective top-cap which guards the SuperSkin material and the opening from damage and debris. Just don’t be fooled by imitators; there are a ton of them out there. Just because the brand has become a household name doesn’t mean that all male masturbators can be called a “Fleshlight.” This generic term may throw you off the boat, but we’ve got a life jacket.
There are a lot of good reasons for the brand’s fame, and they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Fleshlight is constantly coming out with new models and improved versions of their existing inventory, and the high quality of their manufacturing is obvious at first glance (especially when it’s sitting next to one of its competitor’s products). The standard Fleshlight is super solid and it measures a healthy 10 inches (25cm) long and a little more than 3.5 inches (9.5 cm) wide – ideal for you big dick-having sons of bitches. On the same token, the measurements and overall design of the Fleshlight make it perfect for Tiny Tims as well. 🙂
While to some folks that may seem too large, there are a shit ton of advantages to owning a toy of this magnitude. The dimensions allow for natural-feeling movement of the textured sleeve during masturbation, which mimics the movements of the human body and further exacerbates the sexy sensations (even and especially for hefty penises). These motherfuckers have thought of everything.
No seriously, they’ve even invented an automatic machine that links up with whatever Fleshlight model you own (or with the Kiiroo Onyx or Pearl) to provide people with a wild, high-tech ride. It’s called the Launch and it’s fucking amazing. It syncs with Bluetooth and drives itself through virtual porn and live sex sessions with remote partners in real-time, plus it’s compatible with Oculus Rift and other VR devices. If you don’t already own one, or if you have a couple hundred dollars burning a hole in your pocket, get yourself a Launch. You will NOT be sorry. We promise.
Unsheathe the Sleeves
Back to the basics: the sleeves of these bitches come in numerous shapes, sizes, and colors. In fact, the Fleshlight Ice is completely transparent for you nasty voyeurs out there, and the “Freaks” lineup resembles alien and werewolf pussy if you can believe it. Even better is that once you buy your first model it’s possible to purchase only the interchangeable sleeves from then on. However, we suggest opting for the full kit and caboodle because each model is designed specifically to work in tandem with its own casing (plus, the shit is crazy affordable and is viewed as a collectible in some circles).
Inside the ergonomically perfect and relatively lightweight outer casing that famously resembles a standard flashlight, a Fleshlight toy is little more than a textured masturbation sleeve. The sleeve, which is a hollowed-out, highly textured tube made out of the brand’s patented SuperSkin material, is created to feel as life-like as possible. There is even an entire collection molded after the mouths, pussies, and asses of the world’s top porn stars. What will they think of next?
Oh yeah, Fleshlight even has a few Sex in A Can (SAIC) products which look like regulatory beer cans and use the brand’s famous material for the inside just like the standard versions do. These Fleshlight bastards are masters of disguise, despite their tiny mistake of slapping a huge and somewhat telltale label on the side of those cans. Then again, it’s not like Pilsner was going to offer up their label for Fleshlight to use, and without one the can looks oddly conspicuous. So, we appreciate the compromise, even if the standard full-size models are where the party really is.
Regardless of your choice of toy, you will soon be enjoying what’s commonly referred to as “the most realistic feeling shit known to man.” Okay, so we’re the only ones who say that, but still. The SuperSkin material we keep talking about is what made Fleshlight so famous, so it’s certainly worth mentioning. Use the brand’s sleeve warmer and voila! It feels almost exactly like real sex. Add in the hands-free fun of the Launch and you can pack your lover’s bags and place them by the door. To the left, to the left.
There are a ton of extras and accessories to boost your manly morale, but the most important part of the Fleshlight is the sleeve. Even if you have a Launch or are planning on getting one, you’ll still want to explore the texture options of the various sleeves available to you. The volume of your sex toy arsenal is not nearly as essential as the variety within it. That, dear Watson, is the spice of life.
Skin Care Tips
Super skin requires super maintenance, right? Apparently not. Caring for your Fleshlight sleeve was made entirely too easy by the manufacturer – requiring little more than a splash of water. The brand sells toy cleaner and a type of preservation powder, and while that shit is not necessary, it certainly prolongs the life of your toy. Don’t be a cheap ass. Get you some.
Also, it’s of paramount importance that you keep your toy (namely your sleeve) protected by a covering at all times when not in use. That material, albeit natural feeling, can become sticky when it’s not lubed properly. This causes it to gather lint and other debris, some of which isn’t entirely visible. Bacteria and mold can grow on it too (how’s that for real?), so don’t forget to clean it thoroughly when you’re done with your come-down cigarette.
Textures, Glorious Textures
Enough about the sleeves being important and how awesome the material is. Let’s discuss the second most important part of the Fleshlight: the textures. Holy variety, Batman.
This is where a lot of good men go down, lost in a sea of sexual healing with no clue about the best medicine. The brand has introduced at least 100 unique sleeves to the market at this point, ranging from pretty standard to downright fucked up. Depending on your sexual appetite (or the occasion), Fleshlight probably has something in stock that will suit your needs. They’re like the Build-a-Bear for sex toys, and we think that’s adorable.
While a few of the original sleeve textures have since been discontinued, their replacements are far superior. There are still a gagglefuck of textures ranging from hyper-realistic (Classic) to ultra-intense (Stamina Training Unit – STU) to sci-fi (Freaks) and beyond (Fleshlight Girls and Launch). A few of the brand’s most popular textures are cross-bred with one another to form super unique sensations. For example, the Lotus Node texture is combined with the Heavenly, Primal, and Zombie textures to create a magic trick that juices your dick like it’s an orange.
There is a spiraling zig-zag of bumps and ridges in the Vortex texture as well, which can be found combined with the Bump n’ Grind sleeve from the Fleshlight Girls lineup. So, you can either do this the easy way or the hard way: try out a few Fleshlight textures to find the one that’s right for you, or get to know your family jewels so you can make an educated decision.
Open Wide: Orifices and Orgasms
As if that weren’t enough variety for 10 people, Fleshlight also offers an array of orifices to get the party started, including one that looks like a futuristic cyborg pussy, a line of extraterrestrial twats, and even a vampire mouth that comes complete with fangs (we’re not even kidding). If that’s not enough to appease your outrageously erotic appetites, there’s also a double clitoris, you needy bastards.
Choosing the opening to your masturbator is purely an act of personal preference. Each one adds its own element of visual appeal, and the Fleshlight Girls collection even features autographs from the porn stars who inspired them (for those of you who collect). Most models have a mouth, pussy, or ass-shaped orifice, and the majority of them are compatible with the interchangeable sleeves.
The orifice won’t change how your toy functions unless you want it to, nor will it negate the effectiveness of the sleeve’s texture. While some of the specialty orifices are limited to a few of the classic textures, most of them are not. Be sure to determine those details prior to falling in love with any of their toys or you could be sorry.
What’s Your Type?
As far as the types of Fleshlights go, there are quite a few once again. Pick your type and then begin customizing, and soon you will have a masturbator worth writing home about (although we’re not sure your mothers want to hear about this). To further simplify things for your horny, impatient asses, we’ve compiled a list of the main types of Fleshlights with the hope that you will get the most bang for your buck in the quickest way possible:
- The Classic
- The Go Series
- The Flight Series
- The Fleshlight Girls Series
- The Quickshot
- The Ice
- The Freaks Series
- The Sex-in-a-Can Collection
- The Fleshjack Collection
- The Turbo
- The Vibro
- The Launch
Now, we will attempt to briefly describe each of these unique Fleshlight designs so you can more easily find the one you want. See? We told you we were philanthropists.
This smooth son of a bitch is what put the Fleshlight brand on the map, and although some might say it is relatively bland when compared to some of the brand’s more risqué models, we think it’s a solid piece of craftsmanship that deserves consideration. It comes in the standard mouth, pussy, butt orifices but features a fairly smooth sleeve texture. Ideal for less desensitized dicks, it gets the job done by feeling like a good pair of shoes.
The Go Series
The Go collection is a small series which includes only two models: The Torque and the Surge, each measuring approximately 8.5 inches (22 cm) in length. It has a girth of about 3 inches (7.5 cm), so it’s not ideal for extra-large cocks. Still, the Go Series is the perfect take-along toy due to its superb portability and lightweight design. In fact, these little bastards can even be used one handed.
The Flight Series
One of our favorite masturbator types in the Fleshlight lineup is the Flight series. Also made for traveling, this set of discrete sleeves is slim and sleek when compared to the brand’s standard toy. There are three types in this lineup: The Pilot, The Aviator, and The Instructor. Best suited for average-sized penises, it can only accommodate 8 inches in length and 3 inches in girth. However, each model in the series features a unique texture pattern that’s specifically designed to sweep you off your feet.
The Fleshlight Girls Series
This is the biggest series in the Fleshlight inventory, with dozens of pussy replicas molded to the exact specifications of the porn star who inspired them – complete with signatures on the orifice. Considered a collectible to some people, these sleeves feature textures that are hyper-realistic and come shaped as a mouth, pussy, or ass. Some of the girls even offer two different sleeves, so there is always plenty of variety.
The Quickshot is a little cheaper than the standard Fleshlight, but that’s because they’re not a full-sized toy. While smaller, this might monster features an open-ended sleeve held together by a solid ring casing. This design allows for quick shooting and easy cleaning, certainly an advantage over its cousins. It measures just 3.5 inches (9 cm) long, so it’s compact enough to be considered a travel toy as well.
This cool design features a tantalizing twist on the standard SuperSkin material patented by the brand. The Ice, which has a transparent sleeve, is encapsulated inside a see-through casing which gives spectators quite the show. Made to elevate couple’s play while satisfying the appetites of the voyeuristic, this model accommodates average-to-large-sized dicks with ease.
The Freaks Series
Made for the most adventurous among us, the Fleshlight Freaks series is definitely for fantasy lovers. The sleeves are supposed to be completely surreal with their incredibly accurate sci-fi and horror-inspired designs. Sex with an alien, cyborg, werewolf, or zombie is totally doable with this series which is also considered a collectible by some of the fans.
The Sex-in-a-Can Collection (SIAC)
Quirky but quaint, the Sex-in-a-Can collection is pretty remarkable in that it features an entirely different design than the standard Fleshlight. Molded after plain beer cans, these bad boys are made to hide in plain sight (sort of). The label isn’t exactly discrete, but the size and shape are just right. It features an inner canal length of 7 inches (18 cm), which is enough space for most penises. And with four models in the series to choose from (the Sukit Draft, the Lady Lager, the Vampire Succu Dry, and the O’Doyle Stout), we’re sure you could find one that won’t alert the neighbors.
The Fleshjack Collection
This lineup is designed for gay men, but it certainly plays well with others. It features a wide variety of unique product designs and textures which make for some of the most erotic experiences. Like the Fleshlight Girls Collection, these sleeves are molded to the exact replica of famous porn stars’ asses – only this time, the stars of the show are dudes. Featuring the Fleshjack Boys line which offers both orifices and dildos, these toys are a straight up abomination against boredom.
Simply put, the Turbo is made to replicate awesome oral sex. It twists and turns, sucks and swallows, and it does it all at your command. Compatible with almost all the Fleshlight brand accessories and add-ons, this toy is practically a must-have in terms of sex toys.
Oh Vibro, where do we begin with you? This motherfucking genital genius features dual battery inserts which vibrate at various speeds and in different patterns to knock your socks clean off your feet. Able to be used alone or alongside another Fleshlight product, the Vibro is a friendly fuck toy with plenty of love to go around.
Shit just got real. The Launch, which is unlike anything in the industry at this moment, is both breathtakingly beautiful and astonishingly effective. This fully automated, interactive marvel of modern mechanics features several functioning options, including real-time compatibility with virtual reality porn via numerous online databases. It can synch to other toys, mimic the motions of your partner, and costs less than $400 (accessories and lube included). It even comes with a limited warranty, so get it while it’s hot.
Keep in mind that no two Fleshlight designs are the same, even if they come from the same series or collection. In fact, that variety is what makes the brand so famous (and it’s also what makes choosing one so goddamn difficult).
Picking the Chosen: A Quick How-To Guide
With so many choices and so little time, it can be difficult to pick out the Fleshlight toy of your dreams. Have no fear; cue the heroic music because we are here. Fortunately for you, most of the brand’s lineup is amazing and all their toys are fun to use.
But before you get too deep inside the rabbit hole, be sure to consider a few important things about yourself and the toy (or toys) you’re about to buy. Going into this shit all willy-nilly will end up breaking your heart and your bank account. It’s our pleasure to help you pleasure yourself better.
These are the most important factors to consider when choosing the best Fleshlight model:
- Your penis size
- Your penis sensitivity
- Your need for visual stimulation
- Your time limits
- Your level of depravity
- Your preferred orifice
- Your budget
- Your storage options
- Your dignity
To determine where you stand, ask yourself the following questions:
- When nobody is looking, is my penis small, average, or large?
- The average size of an erect penis is approximately 5.5-6.5 inches (14-16 cm) in length and 4.7-5.1 inches (12-13 cm) in girth.
- Do I like slow and sensual masturbation or quick and intense sessions?
- The more texturized the toy’s sleeve and more customizable the features, the more likely you are to climax quickly.
- Do I need to see something sexy when I’m jerking it or does my imagination suffice?
- The visual stimulation provided by some of the brand’s VR-compatible options are as close to the real thing as it gets.
- Do I have a nasty or unusual fantasy that I’d like to fulfill in the privacy of my own home or with an equally perverted partner?
- The attention paid to the fetish, fantasy, and couple’s play customers is outstanding.
- Do I prefer a mouth, pussy, or asshole for my toy’s orifice?
- The majority of Fleshlight toys can be used with all three available orifices, but double check just to be sure.
- Do I get off easily or is my stamina that of a raging bull?
- The variety of stamina improving toys in their lineup is impressive, and most of them are compatible with a majority of the brand’s accessories, orifices, and sleeves.
- Do I have the money for this shit?
- The quick answer is, “Yes you do.” But for those who second-guess the value of investing in their depravity, think of this: the average Fleshlight costs approximately $80 and it even comes with a warranty. Your partner can’t say that.
- Do I have room to store this thing when my parents come over?
- The Fleshlight brand does a good job at creating innovative sex toys, but not every product in their inventory comes with proper storage bags or boxes.
- Do I have to explain my purchases to anyone?
- The company does a good job at sending their products in unmarked packaging, and online purchases are protected by encryption.
Because there is no one-size-fits-all Fleshlight (unless you want to count the Launch), the best way to determine your ideal model is by considering your own personal preferences. Reading reviews from customers can only get you so far. We suggest depending on the pros (like us) for the most accurate, objective, and dependable information.
May We Suggest . . .
Over the years, we have become admitted fans of the Fleshlight brand. However, that doesn’t mean we kiss anyone’s ass, nor is it indicative of our lack of indifference. We couldn’t care less whether Fleshlight sells a single product. What we care about is your libido and your ability to satisfy it. Blue balls are no joke; we hear you, brothers.
With that said, we have a few recommendations for you because we’re nice guys like that. We could sit back and watch as you fall off the deep end, but where’s the fun in that? The world is a much better place when men’s stomachs are full and their balls are empty. So, narrowing down the ideal Fleshlight is a no-brainer.
Here’s are our top 5 suggestions in terms of Fleshlight models:
- The Stamina Training Unit – for those of you who need to work on your play book a bit.
- The Launch – for anyone who enjoys hands-free masturbation, virtual reality, real-time porn, or long-distance couple’s play. So, pretty much everybody.
- The Fleshlight Girls Collection – for shithead stalkers who want nothing more than to climb inside their favorite fuck bunny.
- The Quickshot – for lazy gluttons who want a quickie without the commitment of cleanup.
- The Ice – for self-loving bastards who want to watch their dick get what it deserves.
Picking out a proper sleeve is important as well. The intensity level of the sleeve you choose is dependent upon two main factors: the texture and the tightness. Fleshlight offers a super-tight sleeve but we think it lacks pizazz. As mentioned, personal preference plays a huge role in the selection of a sex toy. To be honest, anything can be tight is squeezed enough; the presence of various pressure points along the more textured sleeves is what we’re fans of the most.
Although there are too many options to reveal here, we do have a few suggestions in that regard as well. Here are our top 5 (ok, 7) texture favorites:
- The Original – for a simple man who doesn’t like all that frilly, fancy shit.
- The Fleshlight Girls Collection – for fans of professional porn stars, or for dudes who can appreciate a good texture density and tightness combo.
- The Obsession
- The Destroya
- The Vortex – for guys who figure they can give themselves a better blowjob than anyone else.
- The Primal – for men who want to feel like a sex-crazed caveman when they cum.
- The Wonder Wave – for
Now, we don’t expect you to take our word for it without backing it up. We took a scientific approach to this shit, because orgasms. Here is why we made the suggestions we did:
A cult classic, the Original sleeve is good to go on so many levels. While the texture is minimal at best, the smooth interior, supremely crafted tightness, and creamy color are on point. Made from the brand’s famous SuperSkin material, it has all the qualities of a comfortable booty call with no strings attached.
The Fleshlight Girls Collection
Disclaimer: While all the sleeves featured in the Fleshlight Girls Collection are goddamn amazing, we would be liars if we didn’t say we had favorites. Rest assured that you will not be disappointment regardless of which F.G. sleeve you buy, but if you want to have a really good time, take our advice:
*Obsession, by Jenna Haze
Featuring a ribbed mold of famous porn star, Jenna Haze, this sleeve’s texture is one-of-a-kind to put it lightly. There are two different texture options for this bad boy, and each one is compatible with the brand’s accessory stock, including the Launch which features access to pre-recorded Jenna Haze sex sessions that can be relived in real-time.
*The Destroya, by Stoya
This killer texture looks nothing like a vagina, mouth, or ass, but it feels like the real thing anyway. Hailed as one of the most realistic textures from the brand, the Destroya features side chambers for improved suction, plenty of beautiful bumps and fangs, and it even has a concave construction that gives the illusion of tightness during full insertion. This shit is great when used with the Launch too, if we’re honest, but then again, we could say that about all of the F.G. sleeves.
With more than enough twists, turns, and texturing, the Vortex feels almost the same as a great blowjob – curling tongue and all. It comes in all three orifices, but we think it works wonderfully with the mouth for obvious reasons. Either way, the effects of the design are powerful yet gentle, so we call it the most efficient sleeve in the lineup if that counts for anything.
This big guy is quite a bit wider than most of the rest. In fact, we think it’s a terrific match for men whose nickname in high school was “Girth Brooks.” The Primal takes shit back to the basics, with a gentle and organic yet powerful and pleasurable texture that’s pretty much perfect for uncircumcised dicks. Featuring long, tender bumps and dual Lotus nodes, penetrating the Primal is downright thirst-quenching.
The Wonder Wave
The Wonder Wave sleeve texture is clean and mean, with a semi-uniform pattern that feels like a cock car wash. The bumps and nodes are widely spaced with diligently placed curves and waves, providing a self-perpetuating suction effect during insertion and expulsion. In other words, this bitch works wonders on your junk with minimal effort from your worn-out forearms.
Keep in mind that the more intense the texture is the quicker you’ll be benched for intermission. Extreme textures aren’t suitable for everyone. There shouldn’t be any shame in your game.
Additionally, intense sleeves are great for uncircumcised men who desire a boost in the penis/corona stimulation department. However, that shit can be incredibly overwhelming (even painful) for newbies, so buyer beware. If you have a super sensitive dick, you obviously want to go with something a little gentler. Don’t kid yourselves. We aren’t mad at ya. By the way, you can always upgrade to a more intense sleeve later. Fleshlight gives its customers a discount for buying sleeves two at a time.
Traveling with a famous Fleshlight isn’t alarming or embarrassing either, due to the company’s international popularity. So, using something like the compact Quickshot (Vantage or Boost versions) makes perfect sense. Full-sized toys are usually acceptable as well, but regardless, all of the brand’s toys with SuperSkin material feel so much better after a short “breaking in” period, FYI.