We, and our worn-out dicks, got tired of testing penis pumps that left behind undesirable side effects. We will spare you the details. So, we began reviewing only the products that used scientifically proven techniques in their development. Amid our new self-aware path, we came across the HydroMax penis pump series and cracked open a BathMate box to see what sorts of high-tech goodies were inside. We can’t say we were blown away, but we aren’t disappointed either.
Penis pumps have come a long way since the tedious tire-pump days, but there is still some room to grow. Nevertheless, scientists have forsaken their cancer research duties to develop these remarkable dick enhancers because, well, priorities. After all, who wants to live if they must live with a microscopic cock? Not this guy.
The 10-year old HydroMax brand is supposed to be one of the best out there, with numerous different penis pump lineups available – each having multiple models within. It’s a variable cornucopia of dick extenders on their website, so navigation is sort of confusing. However, once you’ve deciphered all the options the hardest part will be your newly enlarged penis. Opt for the BathMate Series, the X Series, or the Xtreme Series depending on your need and level of experience. But, for the purposes of trying to hold your hand through this important decision, we will stick with reviewing only the BathMate here.
What Is the HydroMax BathMate Series?
The HydroMax BathMate is the baby of a high-tech penis pump collection, designed to work using the water from your tub or shower to create optimal levels of suction for the purposes of stimulating cellular growth in the penile region. For those of you who don’t possess a medical degree: this thing works like a suction cup to force your dick to grow. It doesn’t get any simpler than that.
The way the HydroMax penis pump series works is actually more scientific. What we mean by that is this: a group of grown ass adults with college degrees got together and formulated an effective 15-minute workout routine for the dick using this handheld tool. We’re not sure what this world is coming to, but we think we like it.
BATHMATE PROMOTIONAL VIDEO
The Main Features
Our new plaything comes in two different models, each of which has subtle differences (mostly in size). The names are about as creative as the innovations that operate the pump: Hercules and Goliath. You can imagine which one is 30% larger by the nomenclature. The smaller BathMate Hercules is called “the true original” because it’s the introductory pump and most popular among beginners with average-sized penises. Either way, both models are designed to accommodate a variety of penises and they come in two different colors too. Neato!
Even neater is that this particular penis pump series is used by men in over 70 countries, so you don’t have to worry about being ejected from the “Cool Kids’ Club” anytime soon. Each model features a one-click open/close knob on the top to lock in pressure and both come with comfort pads to attach to the insertion hole. The skin-safe gator and clear plastic vessel are one piece but they can be rotated pretty easily, and the raised gauge measurements along the side are optional to use. (We aren’t doctors, but we would suggest using the gauges until you learn how your dick will respond to the pressure. Patience is a virtue!)
What Comes in the Box?
There’s a lot of pressure on us to sift through the boxes of the products we review to find all the hidden items in the nooks and crannies of the packaging. Luckily, our job was easy with the HydroMax BathMate series. The boxes didn’t have much in them at all, which could be seen as a good thing for those who appreciate simplicity. This pump has very few bells or whistles, coming packaged only with itself, some comfort pads, a brand flyer about other products in the lineup, and an instruction manual for both bath and shower use. If you’re looking for a penis pump manufacturer that’s committed more to reducing your cost than impressing desensitized consumers, this might be the brand for you.
How It Measures Up
The BathMate series by HydroMax, as mentioned, has two different models: the Hercules and the Goliath, with the Goliath being 30% larger than the Hercules. However, we also mentioned that HydroMax has two other lineups besides the BathMate series. Each one has its specific uses, and naturally the higher end models are designed to kick major ass, but the BathMate group holds its own pretty well. As far as how the HydroMax collection measures up to other water-based penis pumps on the planet, we have one word to say: Meh.
The HydroMax may be one of the originals, but it’s certainly not the only product on the market to get the job done quickly using precision penis exercises. The Penomet and the ever-popular FleshPump do the exact same thing, and from our experience the competition is both more comfortable and easier to operate. Maybe the HydroMax folks have been too focused on their reputation as the OGs of dick enhancement and they forgot about how most dudes are finicky about comfort and user-friendliness. But hey, what do we know?
Our Experience with It
We gave this sucker 60 days to impress us and, after a while, it did (sort of). We certainly saw a difference, but that wasn’t until around week three. If you’ve got that kind of time and patience, good for you. As for us, we were hoping for something immediate besides a semi-hard dick and a pruned-up bath body. Full results weren’t reached until day 45 but by then, we had forgot what we were doing it for in the first place.
Furthermore, most men don’t have the time to take a leisurely bath every single day, and even the shower option can be tedious. Considering the majority of us don’t have 15 minutes of straight grooming to do while in the water, you might have to pick up a hobby to maintain diligence. May we suggest reading the hilariously honest reviews on our website? We are not apologetic for our shameless plug here. What we are apologetic for is the poor sap who has to rearrange his schedule to get a bigger dick using the slow ass HydroMax.
First of all, this bitch has to be prefilled with water, gently snapped closed, expertly tempered, and pre-pumped before you ever begin. We hope you have a large water heater and a degree in physics. It does nothing automatically except for hang from your flaccid dick with continual, unchanging suction, and a clingy girlfriend can do that boring shit for free. Overall, our experience with the HydroMax BathMate series left us with mixed emotions about the fact that we would have to try out the brand’s other lineups next. Now that’s a boner killer. The only redeeming factor is that the results, if any, are permanent.:)
Our Cheers and Jeers
How obvious have we made it that we’re not huge fans of the ho-hum HydroMax? Just in case we haven’t done a good enough job, allow us to break it down for you. Now, we do have some things we like about this thing because, let’s face it, it’s prime purpose is to enhance our dicks. We can’t be mad. However, we can be meticulous sons of bitches and that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.
- It Works If You Work It – This tool, despite its several flaws, does actually produce measurable growth over time when used as directed.
- Bigger Is Better – The entire HydroMax lineup, combined with the 15-minute workout of course, is proven effective at increasing penis length and girth.
- Stay Healthy, My Friend – Regular use of this, or any high-quality penis pump, can actually increase your sexual health in a number of ways. We know. We Googled it.
- Skin-Safe and Sound – The HydroMax brand claims to produce all its pumps using industry standard manufacturing techniques and 100% phthalate-free materials. We like that shit.
- Short and Sweet – Each exercise session is 15 minutes long, which is a slight time investment. However, we didn’t think it was a deal breaker, and it gave us an excuse to crank one out in the bathroom every day without being fucked with.
- A Promise Is a Promise – The HydroMax brand guarantees results or they give you your money back . . . twice. It’s enough for us to lie just so we can make some quick cash, but we promise we won’t.
- Long-Term Relationship – Each pump comes with a 2-year warranty so you can get comfortable with the product and maybe even meet its family.
- Tiny Tim – Yes, this is a penis enlarger, but it doesn’t accommodate men with large dicks who want to explore the reaches of their skin elasticity. Like we said, it’s for average-sized beginners only.
- Houston, We Have a Problem – The BathMate doesn’t take a rocket scientists to operate, but a degree in general relativity might help. There is nothing automated, so you’re the one responsible for hurting yourself if you do.
- Kitschy Isn’t Cool – It might work as intended, but the BathMate is dorky-looking as fuck. Don’t get caught using it.
- Ouch! – If you decide not to use the gauge measurer, you could damage your dick in a big way. Think: violent and vengeful blowjob.
- Mostly Gators – By the time your dick reaches past the enormous gators, not much of your junk finds its way into the pressure chamber. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose or something?
- Revolving Investments Are Supposed to be Lucrative – For $110 plus the cost of time each and every day, we had hoped for more than .5 inches of growth. Just sayin’.
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The Final Verdict
As long as you use it correctly, you can’t go wrong with the HydroMax BathMate, or any of their other models in the lineup for that matter. However, you’ll look like an out-of-style douchebag while you do it and the stigma will remain attached to you for up to 60 days. We wouldn’t recommend this thing to our best friends, but we might plug it to our close acquaintances. If we had to give this a 1-10 rating (and we do), we’d hand it a 7.5. You can find more information or buy the bathmate at their official website.